Puzzles
by Saavik13
Summary: Leonard McCoy wasn't a fool but he was going to do something foolish. It had been bothering him for months and even with all his training and years of wisdom telling him it wasn't his place, he had to know. Why did Spock join Star Fleet –and why a five year deep space mission?


A/N: Can be taken as either pre-slash or friendship. Originally published in Spiced Peaches XVI, http : slash slashspeachzine dot tripod dot com slash issuesixteenn

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McCoy wasn't a fool. He knew, for example, that there were certain things onboard ship that just don't get talked about. Nobody questioned why Scotty never took shore leave but instead opted to stay onboard ship and read his technical journals – they also didn't question why on the same date every month he'd get incredibly drunk and sit and stare at the same photo of an unnamed woman until he fell face first into the table. You just don't talk about things like that. Nobody ever asked Kirk about the scar on his left calf, the one he tried to hide. Everyone knew it was from his childhood when he's been caught in the Tarsus IV tragedy, but you never asked and you never talked about it. Most of all, you never – under any circumstances – asked Spock about his past, about anything at all actually.

Leonard McCoy wasn't a fool but he was going to do something foolish. He was going to break the one major rule of spaceflight and ask _why_. It had been bothering him for months and even with all his training and years of wisdom telling him it wasn't his place, he had to know. Why did Spock join Star Fleet –and why a five year deep space mission? It was a dangerous question. Very few joined for good, happy, reasons. Very few people went on deep space missions for adventure or knowledge or "to make a difference". You didn't need to read their psych profiles to know the truth. People only sign up for deep space missions because they can't stand being home. Someone's died, or left them, or hurt them. They've done something they regret or can't stand to be reminded of. They want to escape. Scotty wanted to get away from the memory of the dead woman in his photo. Kirk was running from himself and his fears of inadequacy and guilt. McCoy, for his part, was fleeing a failed marriage and a broken hearted daughter. What was Spock running from?

Oh, McCoy had met the parents. Sarek was intimidating that was certain. The life he'd imagined for his son, a life spent in a Vulcan science lab and a cramped computer terminal couldn't have held much appeal for his much more adventurous son. But Spock had chosen the Vulcan way. Why join Starfleet and not the Vulcan military? Why join Starfleet and choose a mostly human ship if you wanted the "Vulcan way of life" as Spock so vehemently claimed?

Leonard McCoy realized exactly how foolish he was as soon as the question left his mouth. Spock's dark eyes narrowed in response and his back stiffened until the doctor almost expected to hear the bones snap. Slowly, ever so painfully slowly, Spock got up from the table in the break room and walked silently out the door.

Leonard watched the closed door for a long moment before switching his attention back to the rest of the group at the table. Jim's fork was frozen in place a good two inches from his mouth and Sulu had spit out his coffee, covering his Russian crewmate in the process. Chekov didn't even blink. They all just stared at the doctor until in a good impersonation of the Vulcan in question, McCoy got up and left.

It didn't take long for him to find his Vulcan friend. Spock was holed up in the astronomy lab-alone as usual. What was different was his location. Instead of sitting bent over one of the long desks, Spock was sitting against the far wall facing the door. His eyes bore into the doctor as he stepped into the room and the door swished shut behind him. Spock had been waiting for him it seemed.

"Why?" Spock's voice echoed slightly in the room, bouncing off the metal surfaces with nothing to soften it. It made the doctor shiver before he pulled himself together.

McCoy sighed and pulled another chair over and sat down facing Spock. "We are both scientists, Spock. We love a good puzzle. The problem is, I haven't been able to solve this one. I don't have enough data, not enough pieces. If you were human, completely human, I might have been able to figure it out-likely would have. The problem is, you aren't human. You don't think or act or feel the way a human does." Bones sighed. "Look, we tease you all the time about your feelings, but the truth is we don't understand them- understand you. You aren't like us, Spock. I intellectually know that. It's something else to _feel_ that. When I try and discern your motivations for something I'm at a loss. I'm human. For the most part I know how humans function. I don't know what you are like in here." He tapped his forehead. "Since I don't know that, can't know that on my own, I had to ask. The question of why you entered Star Fleet-why you chose a 5 year mission, _this_ 5 year mission_, three times_ through two captains- seemed like a good place to start."

Spock sat quietly through the explanation, his head cocked to the side and remained that way staring hard for a long moment as McCoy squirmed under the heavy dark gaze. Finally, Spock steepled his fingers together in thought and leaned his head back against the bulkhead breaking eye contact. Again, there was a long pause.

"You wish to understand me?" Spock asked softly, slowly raising his head back from the wall, his eyes narrowed. "You want to understand my motivations, my thoughts, my _emotions_?"

"Yes." McCoy smiled softly. "Come on, Spock. Don't deny they exist. I've seen them. "

"I do not deny their existence, Doctor. I simply do not understand why you place importance on them." Spock lifted his arm and made a sweeping gesture encompassing the room. "Within the walls of this ship, the outcome of a situation is what is significant. The motivations behind those outcomes are superfluous."

"Not to me." McCoy gave an exasperated sigh. "Look, Spock. I don't know how to explain it other than what I've just said. I _need _to understand you. I hate not being able to figure you out. I can look at Jim and know, with near certainty, what's going on in that thick skull of his. I can tell you what makes every single crewmember on this ship tick- every last one but you."

"You do not care for not understanding, Doctor." Spock's eyebrow quirked in what McCoy privately thought of as amusement but wasn't quite sure –he was never quite sure with Spock. "This we have in common." Spock stood up abruptly, cutting off McCoy's thoughts, and walked over to the lone viewport on the wall and stood stiffly with his back to the doctor, his face reflected eerily in the glass and his hands clasped behind his back. When he spoke, McCoy had to strain to here. "It is also why I am here."

McCoy stood up and moved next to Spock, laying a tentative hand on his arm and turning the Vulcan to look at him. The black eyes were as mysterious as ever but the doctor thought he might have caught a little sadness in the depths, for a moment, before the iron will reasserted itself. "You want to understand? Understand what, Spock?"

"You, Doctor. You, the ship, the universe. Humanity." Spock pulled his arm away and backed up a good two feet before turning back to the window. "I joined Star Fleet because I desire to understand that which I have always found unknowable. I am caught, Doctor, between two worlds. I appear Vulcan, I was raised Vulcan. I chose the Vulcan way. But I did not have a viable alternative."

The door suddenly whished open and Bones didn't miss the small start Spock gave as one of his lower ranking science team members hustled into the room. The quiet spell that had hung over the lab was broken and McCoy cursed his luck. He was just starting to make some headway, damn-it! He could practically see Spock shutting down. Worse, his glare wasn't even making the young officer that had interrupted them squirm. The kid was oblivious as he went nosily about his business of checking this setting and tweaking that dial. Spock watched him with the same unknowable expression he always had and McCoy wasn't sure whether he was projecting or not, but maybe, maybe that was irritation in the corner of the Vulcan's eye? That little tiny muscle twitch…

They both started for the door in unspoken agreement to leave when Spock broke the silence. "Doctor, would you care to try an interesting tea I picked up at Starbase 14 last week? It has an unusual combination of mint and what I think are hibiscus leaves."

Spock's voice startled the doctor and he nearly tripped over the table leg. "Ah, sure thing, Spock. Lead the way?"

They didn't say anything as they left the lab or in the turbo lift. Spock led the way to his quarters and McCoy braced himself for the stifling heat. When the door opened he was surprised by the somewhat milder-than-normal temperature that greeted him. It couldn't have been much over 100.

Noticing the doctor's confusion Spock said, "The Captain had expressed interest in a chess game this evening. The mess hall is in use for a birthday party for Ensign Fellows so I offered my quarters. As a courtesy I turned the atmospheric controls down to a level closer to what a human would find comfortable. Prior to his arrival I would have turned it down further." Spock did just that, resetting the room's temperature for 85 before taking a seat at the desk and motioning the doctor to the other chair.

"Tea?" McCoy asked hesitantly as he took a seat.

"The tea was merely offered to provide a viable reason for further conversation, Doctor. I have never seen you drink tea. If, however, you would like to start I do have several varieties that you may find intriguing."

Bones couldn't help but smile at that. "No, Spock. You're right. I don't like tea. I 'm just surprised you noticed." He paused. "Or that you'd want a reason to invite me back here."

"Our conversation was interrupted." Spock steepled his fingers and rested them on the table top, his eyes nearly burning with intense scrutiny as they surveyed the doctor. "You have asked that I help you to understand. I will assist you, provided you do the same for me."

McCoy blinked. "You did say you wanted to understand humans didn't you? But you never finished saying why."

"Do we have an agreement?" Spock's tone was colder than normal and despite the temperature McCoy shivered.

"Yeah, we've got an agreement."

Spock nodded once before leaning back slightly into his chair. "As I was trying to explain before we were interrupted by the technician…" Spock took a slow breath and McCoy realized what exactly this had to be costing the stoic Vulcan. "You asked why I joined Star Fleet. Most would say I joined because I wished to know my mother's people." Spock waited for McCoy to say something and when he didn't Spock nodded once more and settled even further into his chair readying to give what the doctor now realized was a long overdue explanation.

"Amanda is not the only human on Vulcan, Dr. McCoy. She is, however, the only one married to a Vulcan. No other human/Vulcan match has chosen to stay on Vulcan. My parents are the only ones. My mother is not accepted in the human community-they see her as somehow no longer one of them. She is not accepted in the Vulcan community because she is not Vulcan –yet they will not shun her due to our House's position. Humans have not been as kind to her. We have had more than a few doors slammed in our faces." Spock blinked slowly and took another deep breath.

"As a child the only circle that was open to me was that of Vulcan. I was not welcome, but I was not turned away, at least not when there was someone of position that might notice the slight, not to myself but to the Clan. The same was true for my mother. No one dared to verbalize what they clearly thought of us, their animosity was by necessity held somewhat in check by father's status. When Sarek was present it was always easier. He gave my mother the courage to face a society she knew did not wish her there. When he was gone we rarely left our home, it was too difficult for her to deal with and to painful for either of us to risk without reason. We were tacitly unwelcome in the Vulcan community and blatantly not tolerated in the human."

"Spock, what did the humans do?" McCoy asked quietly, a small part of him cringing. "Human kids can be pretty mean."

"Children are universally cruel, Doctor. This I have come to accept as a constant in the universe." Spock quirked an eyebrow at the doctor's snort. "The human children were at times vocal in their dislike of us. The Vulcan children had been known to throw things at us when they thought no one was looking, as if the action was somehow less emotional and thus acceptable than the words. There was a particularly memorable occasion where the two groups teamed up. Father was sent word and they were punished, but it broke my mother's heart as well as the vehicle we'd been driving in. For a time she wished father to leave his position and take us to a colony world where there might be a more open philosophy. She once begged him to move us to Terra if nothing else. Father, of course, refused."

Spock lowered his eyes to the top of the table. "On trips to Earth we were generally more accepted. It was the off world humans that held the greatest prejudice. I did not understand why this was so. I still do not understand. Mother claims it is because Terran humans are not afraid and offworld humans are, afraid that they will be displaced or abused. I have struggled to understand this phenomena but I am unable to solve it with logic. It matters little, I suppose, since the only humans I care to deal with now are either in Star Fleet or related to me in some fashion.

"At a very young age I developed an appreciation for Terra, at least a small section of it. When we visited my mother's family we were always accepted without question. The entire town was open to us although we rarely left her parent's small farm. On Vulcan, in my father's own village, it was not so. But at least the Vulcans had to feign respect, to the House and Clan if nothing else. The humans in the larger Vulcan cities, at the stores mother tried to frequent, they did not bother to even give a mask of civility. They would not sell their products to mother. Word would spread that we were shopping and suddenly stores would close. Only the humans at the embassy were pleasant to us, only those that worked closely with father, and those in Star Fleet. On Terra I was accepted but I lived on Vulcan. On Vulcan there was only human hatred and fear and Vulcan distain."

"I chose the Vulcan way, Doctor, because we lived on Vulcan. The only society on the planet in which there was even the illusion of acceptance was Vulcan. As long as father was there, mother and I had access to all of Vulcan. When he was not there, the adults were required to show at least a tolerable level of respect. If I had chosen the Human path, I would have lost even that small concision. Humans I had found would accept me as a Vulcan without question unless told otherwise. My mother's family had proven this, Star Fleet personal and the diplomatic staff at the embassy had proven this. I knew, without trying, that Vulcan could not accept me as Human. I knew, instinctively, that I could never be human even with humans. I look Vulcan. They can relate to me only as Vulcan. It was therefore logical to _be_ Vulcan. It was the path of least resistance and the philosophies of logic and control offered me a chance to try and gain the respect of my father's people, a remote chance but something I could at least work towards. My mother's people would either accept me or not; it did not matter to them if I choose the Vulcan path, they would assume I had regardless."

"Spock, are you saying you didn't have a choice?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Yes, Doctor. That is what I am saying. I did not have a viable alternative. I believe now that even had there been another option I would still have chosen the Vulcan way. Logic is more than a mere philosophy to me, it is my only tangible comfort. Yet, at the time I had to make the choice I was very young. It is difficult for a human to understand, but the choice had to be made before my seventh birthday. I…would have appreciated more time."

"So you joined Star Fleet so you could explore the road not taken?"

"To some degree. I joined Star Fleet because the diplomats and the Star Fleet personal had always been the most tolerant of my parents and I. Of course, I was mostly dealing with higher officials and those that had been in the service for many years. IDIC has a way of becoming a reality for those that travel widely even if they do not call it by its name. I wished to learn about the other half of myself. This I could not do on Vulcan. Logic said that to understand humanity I should be with humans. The rest of Earth was unlikely to be as accepting as the small town mother was from –this I had ascertained through careful observation during our short trips to larger Earth cities. Star Fleet seemed a viable and safe option and would give me an opportunity to study humanity and beyond with little chance of encountering the same level of hostility that I had grown accustomed too on Vulcan. With the structure provided by regulations and protocols I knew that while there was likely to be a certain level of antagonism there would be safe guards in place to keep any negative reactions from causing permanent harm. I believe I was correct in my analysis of the situation. Being on a five year mission has meant that the majority of the crew has been forced to accept my presence. What complaints have been made have been minor in nature, nothing to the degree I endured at the Academy and hardly noticeable in comparison to my childhood."

Spock leaned back in his chair, seemingly done with his explanation. He watched the doctor with a contemplative air that made McCoy want to squirm in the hard chair. Finally, the doctor cleared his throat. "Thank you for telling me this, Spock. It does explain quite a bit. I take it that your father was less than understanding of your motivations?"

"That would be an understatement." Spock's head dipped and McCoy imagined it was from the pain of remembrance. "Father thought that by forgoing his wishes and entering the Academy I was abandoning the Vulcan way of life. He did not believe me when I explained that I would not do so, that I could not. Doctor, I believe in ways of Surak even more now than when I left Vulcan. My experiences at the Academy, under the command of Chris Pike, and with you and Jim, they have all cemented my beliefs as well as expanded them. I knew this would happen and it was a deciding factor in my applying to the Academy. I wanted it to happen. Father, however, did not believe it possible."

McCoy nodded. "Bet your mother thought differently."

Spock's eyes flashed. "A belief that cannot stand a challenge is a belief that is not worth holding. Mother understood me, but she did not want me to take this path. She feared for my safety."

McCoy chuckled. "I'm sure she still does. It's dangerous out here and you're her only child. Doesn't help that you're also the heir to whatever it is you're heir to back there."

"A burden I would be most eager to divest myself of were it possible." Spock stood up abruptly and moved to the shelf where he kept the supplies for tea and began to prepare a pot. "All of Vulcan believes I have abandoned them, Doctor. As the heir to the House of Surak I am responsible for maintaining and guarding his teachings and guiding the way for the next generation. My father argued that his relationship with my mother, and my creation, was in furtherance of these ideals-the living embodiment of IDIC. Unfortunately he was virtually alone in that interpretation and has suffered much for his choices. The irony is, I believe I am fulfilling my charge by being here and I am as alone in my belief as my father ever was in his. Vulcan has learned all it is likely to from Surak. It is time I took my duties elsewhere."

"So you're out here as a missionary?" McCoy didn't like the sound of that one bit.

Spock turned a cold eye back towards the doctor making the man shiver in his chair. "That, Doctor, would be a direct violation of IDIC. No, I am out here to learn what else there might be that Vulcan, the Federation, the galaxy, may learn from. No one philosophy can hold all of life's answers. If Vulcan has taken all it can from Surak's philosophy perhaps it is time to find another to take us to the next stage in our journey."

They were both quiet until Spock came back to the table, two cups and a pot of tea in hand. McCoy didn't say anything as Spock handed him one, letting go his dislike for the drink in favor of having a small shield between them-even if it was nothing but steam and vapor. That seemed to be the reason Spock had made it, since the Vulcan was also clutching his cup as if it offered protection rather than hydration.

Spock's Vulcan exterior seemed to reform before McCoy's eyes as the steam rose from their cups and after a long tense moment Spock broke the silence with a question. "Doctor, I have given you my reasons. What, may I ask, were yours?"

McCoy shook his head to clear it. "When I was a boy my grandfather took me out to this big hill we had on the farm. It was too steep to do much with. We usually let the livestock graze out there and generally left it alone. The farm was pretty far from town and the hill was at the center of it, about as far from civilization as you can get in Georgia now a days." McCoy sipped his drink, his voice soft and low. "Grandpa took me out there and had me lay back on the grass at the top of the hill and look out at the stars. They were so bright without the lights of the city or the town muddying them up. He lay down next to me and pointed up at the sky. 'Leonard', he said, 'look up at them stars. I want you to look real good. Those there, those are souls, Leonard. Old souls. Them souls have seen everything boy. Every coming and every going and they just watch it all. The thing to know child is that we're all the same, each soul down here and each soul up there. Each of us with our own piece a truth. God gave each soul a bit of the whole and he scattered 'em up there and down here and all around. He wanted us to have to look and listen to one another. He wanted us to seek and strive and work for everythin' so it has meanin'. None of us are nothin' without each other. Those souls out there, they've got a head start, seeing and listening, and takin' it all in. I'd of given anythin' to be out there with 'em, learnin' and puttin' the puzzle back the way God done want it to be.'

Spock listened quietly to the story his head bowed slightly. When McCoy stopped talking Spock looked up and McCoy didn't try to hide his hand whipping away a little tear. "That's why I joined, Spock. When my wife left me, when I didn't have anything left back on earth I thought about grandpa and how important he thought it was to just try and _know_. Since I needed a place to run to, I joined up with Star Fleet so I could see those souls for myself and escape my past at the same time. I have my piece of truth and I'm trying to find another piece to match it to. The puzzle just keeps growing put I still haven't a clue what the picture's gonna be."

Spock nodded then sipped his tea slowly. "My puzzle is not forming as quickly as I would like. I was born with two pieces, Doctor. Neither appears to fit with the other and the fragments I have added have done little to aid the situation. As yet I do not have anything worthy of taking back to my people, nothing that has even proven of much worth even in dealing with my own questions."

"Maybe you're looking in the wrong place?" McCoy suggested softly. "Spock, how well do you know yourself?"

The Vulcan blinked. "Knowing oneself is a pre-request to the Vulcan way."

"I know that." McCoy rolled his eyes. "Thing is, most Vulcan's don't. I see it all the time, Spock. As a matter of fact you're about the most Vulcan Vulcan I've ever met. Truth is, your father's people are just as prone to jealously, anger, hate, and all the rest of it as your mother's. You lot just hide it behind philosophy and call it by different words is all. You, you don't do that, Spock. I've seen you at your worst and I've seen you at your best. One thing is always constant. You're _honest_. If you are upset and Jim or I ask you what's wrong you might put up a weak fight but eventually you tell us. The other Vulcan's I've meet won't even admit to themselves that they are affected by something let alone confess it. I think your way is more true to yourself. But I think you still have a while to go before you reach peace with who and what you are. You can't put a puzzle together unless you have a place to start, and you've got one duzy of a puzzle if I ever saw one, two sided and no edge pieces."

Spock's eyebrow quirked up. "How do you propose I come to know myself then, Doctor?"

"I don't know." McCoy shrugged and grimaced as he sipped the tea. "God this stuff is awful. Anyway, trial and error is the normal way, and believe me there's a lot of error. You'll have to figure yourself out first before you can be much help to anybody else."

Spock nodded slowly and neither said anything for a long time. McCoy jumped slightly when the door chimed and stood up as the captain entered. Jim looked a little surprised to find them both there but he quickly smiled at his two friends. McCoy made a horrible joke about bad tea, Jim laughed, Spock gave his 'I am not amused' look. And McCoy left the two alone to play chess. All in all it didn't go as badly as it could have, the doctor admitted to himself. Still though, he didn't have enough answers and in less than a week they'd be back at Space Dock, the mission over.

McCoy already knew he wouldn't stay in Star Fleet. Jim was getting a promotion and a desk at the Admiralty whether he wanted it or not. Spock, well Spock hadn't said yet what he was doing.

Their arrival back on Earth was triumphant. Women everywhere, confetti, and no Spock. Somehow that last part made it the most depressing event McCoy could remember. Jim seemed to take it rather well, considering. He'd hugged Spock goodbye and laughed when the Vulcan had raised an eyebrow at him. They'd dropped the Vulcan off at the Mars colony. He'd be debriefed there and his commission was set to go inactive. Their pointed eared friend said he was off to find himself.

McCoy really felt like an idiot. It was all his fault. If he hadn't opened his big damn mouth Spock would be in charge of the Enterprise refit and set to be her Captain when she was ready. Jim wouldn't have to lose him for at least two years and then he'd at least know his ship was in good hands.

Jim _looked _okay, but the reality was something different. He was losing his ship, his friends, his _life._ And everyone seemed to think he should thank them for it. McCoy wasn't going to stick around to watch the explosion when it happened.

So after the celebrations the good doctor left quietly, loosing himself in a sea of humanity as quickly as he could. Two years and not one word from anyone. They all just drifted apart. He'd used a few connections to keep track of some of them. Jim was still in Star Fleet, Chapel had taken his advice and finished medical school and was assigned to the Enterprise as her second medical officer. Spock, well that one was odd. Spock was on Vulcan, the one place McCoy thought it likely his friend would avoid at all costs. Going through something that was supposed to purge emotions of all damnable things he could be doing. So much for finding himself, the damn pointed eared hobgoblin was trying to kill off fifty percent.

When the reactivation orders came McCoy didn't know quite what was wrong but he jumped anyway. Oh, he let them all know exactly what he thought about all of it but the reality was he needed back out there. He had more puzzle pieces to find and he wasn't getting very far sitting on his rear. The look on Jim's face as he'd begged him to come back would have been comical if the situation hadn't been so desperate. Then there was the whole Decker mess. Really, Jim needed to take a lesson from Spock and do a little self reflection. Bones couldn't help but feel bad for both men.

Word came. Spock. He'd run to the bridge, his grin going from ear to ear only to find that the dark eyed man that greeted him was not the one he'd expected. He'd have gotten a warmer reception from his icebox.

Worst part was, the moment he'd laid eyes on Spock, Bones had felt something inside twist. The way Spock's eyes had caught his for just a moment…than that flat voice had hit him and the illusion shattered. He must have imagined the openness in those dark eyes in that first look, he must have dreamed that he really saw something more…

He'd begun to hope when Spock sat down in Jim's quarters. It was like he'd made a decision to stop trying to kill off part of himself and he'd accepted his old role, his old identity, as he sat down. It was still shaky, but it was something. Until he did try and off himself.

Of all the stupid, idiotic, conceited, stubborn, INSANE things to do…

McCoy took a shuddering breath even thinking about it a week later. He was going to tie the damn Vulcan to one of the sickbay beds. That was it, he'd gone too far flying off in a suit like that. Knowing wasn't worth that! What good was knowing if you didn't live long enough to come back and tell your old country doctor all about it?

He tried to ignore the hurt he'd felt when Spock had taken Jim's hand in sickbay. They were old friends, Spock had the right to do that… Bones just didn't like it. And that bothered him. So he hounded Jim twice as hard and then…

It was over. They'd saved the day and off they went to give the ship a shake down. Of course, with Jim Kirk at the command they didn't get a proper one. Twelve hours after saving Earth they got orders to swing back around, pick up a few new crew members, and a delegation of Federation officials. Taxis service back in operation. And then they got shot at. Then they had to make a run for it. Then there was a plague on a remote planet and they had to barter for the antidote… It'd been a week since he'd gotten his reactivation orders and he still hadn't had the time to unpack.

Bones snarled in the empty sick bay, his displeasure at the universe in general coloring his actions as well as his mood. Two years! He shouldn't have left. He should have stayed on through the refit or signed up for another ship, something. Two years and everything changed and he'd been left behind. Two years to get used to being bored and now this!

The door swished open and Bones turned to give the unfortunate individual with what was undoubtedly a paper cut a piece of his mind for interrupting his mental tirade. Dark eyes met his before he could form the words and Leonard slowly sank down into his chair, his rant defeated before he'd even gotten started. The only thing he could think was, "oh. Not a paper cut." He had to force himself to look back up, to see the pale uniform and stiff back and not his old friend.

Spock waited until the doctor looked back up than stepped further into the room letting the door whish shut behind him. He pulled another chair over and sat opposite the doctor, his eyes still silently evaluating and calculating every thought that went through the doctor's head. He didn't say anything, just stared with those damn eyes. Those suddenly not so harsh eyes. Those familiar eyes he hadn't seen since Jim had come for that chess game over two years ago.

The doctor's head dipped again before he finally found the will to break the silence. "Why'd ya leave?" McCoy's voice was gruff, unexpectedly colored by some emotion he wasn't quite sure the name of.

Spock gave a rather unVulcan sigh. "I needed answers, Doctor. Answers I had not found on the Enterprise. I had to leave to do as you instructed."

Leonard's head shot up at that and he eyed the Vulcan skeptically.

Spock tilted his head and the harsh lines around his eyes settled into what Bones always thought was as close to a smile as a non-viral infected Vulcan could get. "Doctor, my answers have always been here but I was unable to see them. The forest for the trees as my mother would say."

Bones couldn't help a snort. "So you got your answers. Now what? You off again on some damn idealistic crusade?"

"With James Kirk at the con that is a distinct possibility." Spock lifted an eyebrow and McCoy eyed him cautiously. Spock gave another minute sigh. "That was a joke, Doctor. You use to interpret my attempts at humor correctly. Have two years changed us both so much?"

Leonard ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I don't know, Spock. I really don't. A lot can happen in two years. Of course, not much did happen to me. You on the other hand, you did that whole purging thing…"

Spock's eyes flashed dangerously. "I did not achieve _Kolinahr__**. **_I stood at the steps of the temple and I stopped the Priestess' hand. Had I not, I would have been awarded that honor. I could not accept it knowing that I did not truly desire it. The need for that desire, doctor, was a sure sign of what many would consider my failure. To have achieved _Kolinahr_ I should have been beyond even the desire for it. It is the irony of my life, I suppose, magnified." Spock's eyes lost their harshness and his voice softened causing Leonard to lean forward in his chair. "The quest I have made to be _Vulcan_, to leave my emotions behind, has been fueled not by logic but by the very emotions I wished to escape. By failing to purge those emotions I have ceased to allow them to control me."

"You haven't failed at anything then, have you? No matter what people say." Leonard smiled. "I'd say congratulations are in order."

"You are the third person to say so." Spock's face relaxed into that near smile again and McCoy's grin increased.

"Who where the other two? Jim and Chapel?"

Spock's eyes fairly twinkled. "My mother and the Priestess."

Bones couldn't help but laugh. "I think you Vulcan's have discovered a whole nest of irony with this one."

Spock dipped his head in acknowledgement. "It is a safe assumption that Sarek does not see the humor in the situation, nor would he agree with our assessment of my success."

"But you do, don't you?"

Spock's eyebrow flew to his hairline. "You sound surprised, Doctor. We are both more than aware that I have always had a sense of humor, undoubtedly from my mother, although Sarek has at times displayed a shocking tendency to tease those he considers close associates."

"It's not that you have one that surprises me, it's that you'd admit it. To me. Admit any of this."

Spock's head tipped to the side again, all humor gone from his eyes, replaced by a hint of sadness. "You are the only one I would admit such to."

Leonard felt a lump form in his throat at that admission. "Thank you, Spock. That…that means a lot."

Spock eyed him again, another long intense look that Leonard felt going through him like a sensor sweep. "I believe you are unaware of how important you are to me, Doctor." Spock's eyes again lost their Vulcan reserve and some deep emotion flickered across their ebony depths. "You see things I will allow no other."

"Doctor patient privilege?"

"No." Spock's voice was hard as granite and controlled but his eyes, those dark endless eyes lost nothing of their prior emotion. "Perhaps you need to do some finding of your own, Doctor, if you think so little of yourself. It has been many years since I considered you in that capacity alone, or that your medical oaths even weighed in my decisions on what to impart to you. "

McCoy felt like he was missing something as he stared back in shock. "Is this how you talk to Jim?"

"No. I would not willing choose to reveal so much to him." Spock's eyes finally broke contact in a long slow blink. "Jim is only my friend."

"Only your friend? Than what am I?" Leonard asked, taking a deep breath.

Spock's eyes again met his, dark and open in the dim lights of the sickbay. This time there was not only sadness, but something that looked suspiciously like expectation. "That, Doctor, is a very foolish question." Spock's hand reached slowly across the table until his fingers barely brushed Leonard's hand. "You are the missing piece."

With that slight brush of fingers Leonard's puzzle shook, reformed, and he realized with a start that he too had just found another missing piece, a whole bunch of pieces. And maybe, if he wasn't mistaken, he could just start to make out the picture. One look into Spock's eyes and he knew, that was definitely a picture all right and they both had the same one.


End file.
